Dreaming of Catfish

Hi Doc:

Every time I dream of catching catfish, I receive money the next day in some form or fashion. I always tell my co-workers about my catfish dreams. As you know, most people are non-believers, but on this day I made believers out of my fellow employees. I arrived at work at 6:30 a.m. and started the day with the usual b.s. and gossip. When everybody else had shown up, I told them I'd dreamed of catfish the night before. I said this meant I would have money in the mailbox when I got home. Naturally, they laughed at me. This ticked me off, so I decided to drive home for lunch, retrieve my mail and open it at work to prove that money had arrived. I even took one of my co-workers with me as witness. Well, when I arrived home and opened the mailbox, I found to my surprise that I had received my state tax refund much faster than you'd think possible. The co-worker who'd come with me stared in disbelief at the check. Needless to say, I made believers of a few people that day. My question is what should I do with the money? My wife says that "lucky money breeds more money" and that I should invest it equally between Powerball tickets and scratch-offs.
Catfish Kid

Dear Catfish:

Thanks for your courage. I know many people look askance at catfish anglers, so it takes intestinal fortitude to go public with your passion--let alone telling folks catfish inhabit your dreams. As far as the cash--since this was a tax refund and not truly "found" money I would risk your wife's wrath and save it for a rainy day.

Metaphysical Restraining Order

Dear Doc Paranormal:

What on earth is a metaphysical restraining order? A woman I had been dating has threatened to get one on me unless I leave her alone.
Worried

Dear Worried:
As you most likely know, trained individuals can visit friends and loved ones by traveling via the astral plane. Long distance love affairs can be carried out in this way without incurring the hassle and expense of commercial air carriers. Issued by a psychic, a metaphysical restraining order commands the "aggressor" not to visit the alleged victim in this manner. Depending on the wishes of the aggrieved party, the directive may or may not be supplemented by a conventional order issued by law enforcement.

Did You Levitate the Amazing Randi?

Dear Doc Paranormal:

Last night a friend told me that you had once levitated noted paranormal skeptic The Amazing Randi during a debate--before an audience of hundreds! Is this true??

Hopeful

Dear Hopeful:

As I'm sure The Amazing Randi would tell you, myths are very hardy creations. So much so that even if I swear that the event you describe never happened, you--and thousands of others--may still believe that it did. Nevertheless, let me state for the record that I did not cause The Amazing Randi to rise six inches off the stage while he was seated in his chair arguing that hypokinesis was a childish fantasy. And he did not shriek wildly, begging me to let him down. And that the audience did not roar with laughter after he fled back stage, tail tucked neatly betwixt legs. To think otherwise is to demonstrate the power of myth.

Board Certified Psychic Surgeon?

Dear Doc:

I have been bothered by internal distress for some time now and wanted to have it checked out. However, I like many people, am upset with the state of the mainstream American medical establishment. Should, god forbid, my condition require dramatic intervention, I would like to consider alternative medicine, like the psychic surgery I've heard is practiced in the Philippines. In America, is there such a thing as a Board Certified psychic surgeon? And if so, how would I find one?

Searching for Options

Dear Searching:

I agree that there is much that is wrong about the American system of medicine. Like forty million uninsured citizens, me included. However, a positive note is that not a single Philippine-style psychic surgeon has yet to gain privileges at a U.S. hospital. My problem with the efficacy of such surgery is two-fold: Why is it only performed in the back rooms of Manila tea shops? And if the operation is truly "psychic," why does the so-called surgeon need to seemingly dig his hands into the patient's bloody flank in order to extract the offending body part? True psychic medicine does not require human touch, but that's another issue for another day.

How Do I Stop Annoying Desk Drummer?

Dear Doc Paranormal:

I work at an insurance company where I am somewhat older than the rest of my fellow employees. For the most part I handle it, but the young man in the cubicle to my right has developed the annoying habit of drumming on his desk in time to the songs he's listening to on his i-pod. I don't want to approach him directly for fear of being branded too old and "out of it." Is there a psychic way I can get him to stop?
Demented in Department D

Dear Demented:

The dilemma here is that your neighbor is drumming to recorded music rather than imaginary tunes playing inside his head. If the latter was true, you could send him the psychic suggestion to be polite and courteous to others around him. Two or three hours a day of transmitting this for a week would probably shame him into ending the practice. As it is, you're gonna have to play defense. I suggest creating a mental picture of a roaring waterfall complete with sound effects. This should help block the sound. Either that or buy your own i-pod or a used Walkman if you're generationally more comfortable with that. All best.

Bill & Hillary's Paranormal Theft?

A White House that looked like a frat house the morning after an all-night kegger. That's the mess some claim 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue was left in the last time the Clintons occupied the premises. But was the trashing of the White House cover for a far more provocative scenario? My own sources believe the latter. The untold Big Story is not what Bill and Hillary left behind. It's what they took with them. Informants suspect that dozens of computers containing top secret paranormal information left the White House in secured moving vans. Included was classified information on UFO contacts, ESP--and most shockingly, a doomsday scenario detailing a potential "psychic war" between undermanned U.S. paranormal warriors and well-financed Red Chinese fanatics. Today's question is: Will Hillary bring back the data if she wins the Presidency? And when she promotes her national security credentials is she really talking about her preparedness for a coming psychic war?