"I Photographed Scarlett Johansson with My Mind"

Dear Doc Paranormal:

This may be hard to believe, but I have a photo of actress Scarlett Johansson that I can't get out of my head. It's a nearly topless shot of her that I saw in a magazine and has stayed in my mind ever since. When I close my eyes I can't "see" any other woman, which bothers me because it makes me feel like I'm being unfaithful to my girlfriend.
Anxious

Dear Anxious:

Some individuals can take a photo with their mind and not even know it. Thoughtography is the ability to mentally influence unexposed film, causing an image to form on its surface. The most famous research in this fascinating field was conducted by Jules Eisenbud in Chicago. In a series of experiments, Eisenbud asked subjects to form a picture of an object in their minds. At that precise moment the shutter of a nearby camera was snapped. When the film was developed, it was often unexpectedly clouded or blackened. Amazingly, in some cases, an image appeared that exactly resembled the picture mentally formed by the subject.

Extrapolating wildly from Eisenbud's work, try ridding your mind of the Scarlett J. image by positioning yourself near an old-fashioned 35mm camera, visualizing the pose and "developing" it on the film inside.
Doc

Are Aliens Deliberately Warming Globe?

Dear Doc:

Maybe it's too many sleepless nights caused by the 100 degree heat that's plaguing my part of the world, but I have a crazy thought that won't go away. What if, and this is just a what-if, some of the aliens visiting our planet are deliberately causing global warming in order to make the Earth more habitable to them? Stick with me. In the scenario I'm painting, overpopulation on their planet is forcing them to colonize other planets. Now, because all planets don't have the same climate, a little tweaking must be done. In the case of Earth, this obviously means warming it up to their comfort level, which could be an average daily high of 175 degrees Fahrenheit for all we know. These hypothetical aliens could also be semi-amphibious creatures who will enjoy the expansion of the oceans as our polar ice caps melt. There could be countless other benefits of a hotter Earth for them, such as the end of human life and the development of new life forms that the aliens could use as food sources. Therefore, the global warming we are experiencing might not be due to our own shortsightedness and neglect--but advanced alien science. Have you heard anyone else spouting the same theory? Or is it just me who's gone around the bend?
Sleepless in Vegas

Dear Sleepless:

Just you at this point.

Snack Responsibly...

...Late night message courtesy of Doc Paranormal

A Man's Guide to Ley Lines

Not the Maxim type. The ley lines under discussion today are strange alignments of revered ancient sites across the landscape. These ancient sites or holy places are found in a straight line ranging from one or two to several miles in length. Some experts theorize that ley lines are "lines of power" linking prehistoric sites following lines of cosmic energy in the Earth. Others have found a link between ley lines and UFO sightings.

Mind Control Causing John McCain's Confusion?

Dear Doc:

Many have noted John McCain's apparent confusion during his presidential campaign. He takes a position, contradicts it an hour later and, when asked a question, is often at a complete loss for words. While some attribute this to encroaching senile dementia, I suspect George Bush the Senior may have a hand in this war hero's apparent decline. And I think you know what I'm talking about...
Name Withheld Upon Request

Dear Name Withheld:

Yes I do, but I haven't heard anything indicating that the 41st president is responsible for McCain's frequent bobbles. To refresh everyone's memory, it was theorized that the ex-president used techniques learned during his tenure as CIA director to confuse elderly voters in Palm Beach County, Florida during the 2000 battle between his son and Al Gore. Conceived as a pilot project to be considered for future elections, the strategy employed retired CIA experts skilled in "remote viewing" other other paranormal skills. When a mentally frail, elderly Gore voter entered the voting booth, a Bush operative in a distant location "clouded" his or her mind. The result was an incompletely punched ballot and a "dimpled" or "hanging" chad. Which some say threw the election to G.W. And the rest, as they say, is history.

But at this juncture there is no evidence that McCain's aging mind is under similar influence, with the goal of enabling the Bush family to continue to dominate U.S. foreign and domestic policy...should McCain be elected this November.

Mystery Dogs Spotted in Tbilsi Before Russian Blitz

Hi Doctor Paranormal:

I am a resident of the sovereign nation of Georgia and would like to warn the people of Estonia that mysterious dog packs were seen attacking people here before the Russian invasion. The attacks were most prominent in our two largest cities of Tbilsi and Kutaisi. While I do not have descriptions of the dogs, approximately 100 Georgian citizens were injured. Perhaps the Russians are now using viciously trained animals to sow panic in the populace before their blitzkrieg invasion of other countries.
Alexander Tyscho

Mystery Dogs Attack Woman, Then Vanish

This happened in Estonia, so don't blame it on Goreghor Davidra, the Original Wolfman of Romania. In a village near the Russian border three dogs attacked a 43-year-old woman, causing severe wounds to her legs, arms and neck. Soldiers armed with shovels and poles drove off the pack. The victim was then treated by army medics. Here's where the mystery begins: The dogs, described as a black bull terrier, white Jack Russell and tan bull mastiff, have never been found. A door-to-door search in towns along the border found no dogs fitting that description. The marauding pack has not been seen again--anywhere.

How to Start Your Own Personality Cult

Here's advice from guest blogger Jimbo234 on how to start your own personality cult:

Frustrated by the failure of your careful diplomatic effort to win the chairmanship of your cul de sac’s Neighborhood Watch Program? Or to be handed the whopping year-end bonus that you richly deserve? Are you sick of smug UPS drivers laughing in disdain at your eco-correct Prius?

Perhaps it’s time to organize a self-help group designed to help but one member only: You; with by-laws that require other members to consider you a god-like figure incapable of doing any wrong.

You can achieve such an awe-inspiring goal by establishing your own personality cult. And don’t fret. It’s not as tough as you think to become a start-up Jim Jones or Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh.

Just what is a cult leader, anyway? Legendary German sociologist Max Weber says he’s an otherwise unexceptional guy who, nevertheless, is considered by his followers to possess “a certain quality…by virtue of which he is set apart from ordinary men and treated as endowed with supernatural, superhuman, or at least specifically exceptional powers.”
Australian psychologist Len Oakes also provides expert guidance. A former member of a communal cult in the 1970s, he’s written two scholarly books on the subject. According to Oakes, a cult leader or “prophet” is an individual who offers an unconventional message of salvation so appealing that he attracts a loyal following of people who crave his guidance.

Doubt that you have the sort of message that can keep the natives hanging on your every word? Equally essential is determining whether you have the personality to succeed. Based on his research, Dr. Oakes contends the successful cult leader’s personality is:

Narcissistic, grandiose and controlling. Hidden beneath is an empty core.

That’s not me, you say? I beg to differ. Dr. Oakes had a group of cult leaders take a psychological test and found them to be...quite ordinary men. Need more proof? Ask any group of adult women who have intimate knowledge of males. Ninety-five percent will state that every man, regardless of age, height, I.Q., or ring size, possesses the above qualities in spades. So congratulations! You’re one hurdle closer to calling the shots!

But what about that blasted message? What’s your hook? Well, looking at the history of cults, it can be something quite simple. Even ridiculously so. For example, during World War II, U.S. airmen were considered gods by many Pacific Islanders, who formed “cargo cults” centered on American pilots and the supplies they miraculously dropped from the sky.

Which brings us to you. What special gift do you have at your disposal? As we’ve already discovered, it needn’t be much. Let’s say, simply for the sake of illustration, you were recently bequeathed tickets to the sold-out Steelers vs. Giants game. Amazingly, you can parlay these tickets into your “unconventional message of salvation,” and therefore entice unwitting victims, er, followers into your own fledgling personality cult.

Step-by-Step Approach

There are four keys to building your successful personality cult, according to anthropologist Agehananda Bharati. Setting aside the fact that he was born Leopold Fischer in Vienna, Austria in 1923, Bharati, who died in 1991, is considered an authority on cult-building. These four elements are: the withdrawal of your followers from society, a special diet, spiritual work in the form of physical discipline and theological study, and celibacy.

Stick with me here. Let’s examine how your four Steelers vs. Giants tickets can turn three seemingly regular buddies into brain-dead acolytes.

Start by dangling the possibility of attending the game before a wide range of friends and acquaintances. As you do, select three who seem most eager to debase themselves in order to watch football teams wage war in a frigid stadium buffeted by gale-force winds and driving snow. Let’s call the grateful, deeply indebted trio Joe, Mack and Roberto.

1. Withdrawal from Society
The brainwashing begins in earnest when you separate J, M and R from families and friends in the Winnebago you rented. Their dependence on you skyrockets when your motor home becomes their only shelter from the raging storm during the subsequent hours of tailgating revelry. At this point you might feign affront at Joe’s musical belching, raising the possibility that you could send him—or anyone else who is annoying you—home. That unspoken threat will serve to turn all three even more meek and pliable.

2. Special Diet.
Administer large doses of bratwurst, beer, head cheese, pig’s feet, pickled eggs, roasted marshmallows, fudge ripple ice cream, hard lemonade and other tailgate favorites. The effect of such substances on football fans is similar to that of Ecstacy on ravers—minds melted into malleable putty.

3. Spiritual Work in the Form of Physical Discipline and Theological Study.
Just when J, M & R are getting comfy, exit the Winnebago wearing only shorts and galoshes. Admiring your physical bravery, they’ll either emulate you or cower inside, further breaking their will. Cover your face and torso in Steelers war paint, uttering weird cries and ululations, goading J, M and R into doing the same. During seemingly rational moments, discuss the arcane merits of various defensive strategies, illustrating your teachings by drawing Xs and Os in the slush.

4. Celibacy.
Despite mind-altering diet and identity-stripping body art, J, M and R will not seek sex during game time. Thus, the only outlet for their energy will be the cheers you lead on your bull horn. And when other fans join in, the communal warmth and sensory overload will overwhelmingly convince J, M and R that they have made the correct life choice in following you.

In subsequent days and weeks, Joe, Mack and Roberto will likely be laughing at your every joke, indulging each passing whim, and shaking off every condescending slight. Your benevolence allowed them to experience the glory of a near-religious late autumn rite, a rarity that only 55,000 of 300-million Americans enjoyed. For that, J, M and R will speak of you in hushed tones, spreading the new gospel of: Your Name Here.
Jimbo234