David Carradine

Dreaming of grasshoppers indicates that you have issues hanging in the balance that will require very careful handling, says the Dreamer's Dictionary.

See the Archaelogical Wonders of Outer Space This Summer

With hundreds of photos and illustrations, "Extraterrestrial Archaeology" by David Hatcher Childress takes you to Mars, Venus and elsewhere to look at alien structures. In the book, Childress claims to show domed cities and mining vehicles on the Moon, space bases on Mars and inexplicable structures on Venus and other planets. Great beach read for the very, very, very, very open-minded.
D.P.

My Dog, The Tree-Hugger

Dear Doc:

My wife and I live in upper Michigan with our three vibrant daughters and a wonderful Irish Setter named Diplo. One of our favorite all-season activities is to walk in the woods. In spring and summer, we'll find a beautiful glade and lay out a picnic. In autumn, we'll have a contest to see who can find the most colorful leaves and in winter we'll tramp around in our snowshoes.

Diplo has accompanied on these walks since he was a puppy, although I must admit he had trouble keeping up with us at first. On one scary occasion, he bolted after a squirrel and it took us until after twilight to find him. It brought tears of joy to our eyes when my daughter discovered him asleep in a hollow log not ten feet away from where he had disappeared. He hadn't run away after all! My middle-daughter, who I'd assigned to scour that area hadn't noticed, but what else should a father expect from a chatty eight-year-old!

By the time Diplo was six, he knew our hiking routes as well as us, often running ahead on the trail, then jumping out from behind a tree to "attack" my daughters and playfully topple them over. But one fall day as I was instructing the girls about why leaves change color, Diplo became uncharacteristically antsy. He began pawing gently at my leg and then whining.

"Maybe he wants you to question him too, daddy," my youngest daughter joked.

"Okay," I agreed, then turned to Diplo, who cocked his ear as I asked him, "Diplo, which one of these trees is an elm?"

Diplo scanned our surroundings, then trotted over and scratched the trunk of a tall tree. It was an elm!

Intrigued, I asked him to point out an oak. Diplo walked fifteen feet away and pawed the rough bark of an--oak! To make sure this wasn't all a big coincidence, I then requested Diplo to point out a hickory, walnut and silver maple. He was correct each time.

"Diplo aced the exam!" my youngest daughter screeched. Diplo rolled over so that she could scratch his belly. Apparently he wanted his favorite form of affection as his reward even though my daughter's hands are too tiny to give him the A+ rubdown I do.

To be honest, I never again asked Diplo to exhibit his talent. I respect him too much to turn him into a sideshow attraction or a four-legged human. And I ordered my daughters to follow this rule under threat of staying in the bedroom when the rest of us enjoy buttered popcorn on DVD movie night. I prefer Diplo to be a big, smelly dog and nothing else. I know--and he knows--his capabilities and that's all that matters.

Who Was Emanuel Swedenborg?

Dear Doc:

A girl I'm chatting up at the neighborhood pub just dropped the name Emanuel Swedenborg. Can you tell me who he was before she returns from the ladies' room?
Gonna Score

Dear Gonna Score:

Always ready to help a guy in need...

Emanuel Swedenborg was an 18th century Swedish scientist and philosopher who claimed to have developed psychic powers on his 53rd birthday. Due to his stature as a leading thinker, his transformation earned the paranormal field increased credibility among traditional intellectuals. Among Swedenborg's most famous feats:

*Described in great detail the progress of a raging fire in Stockholm while he was in the city of Gothenburg some 300 miles distant.

*Predicted the exact date of his own death four years before it occurred (No, he did not commit suicide).
D.P.

Illegal Paranormal Animal Trade in South Ossetia?

Dear Dr. Paranormal:

My name is Janice Rulen of the International Society for the Preservation of Paranormal Animals. You may recall my name from a previous correspondence about the ISPPA's opposition to the sport hunting of the so-called Big Five wild paranormal beasts. This e-mail concerns a related matter, and that is the illegal trading of paranormal creatures in the Georgian province of South Ossetia. Last week, when the Georgian military moved in to bring an end to this flourishing black market, Russian cannons answered with salvo after salvo. Now Russian troops occupy the breakaway province and paranormal trophy animals are again being sold to the highest bidders. This cannot stand. I am asking your enlightened readership to contact the responsible U.S. and NATO authorities and demand that they not stand by while these endangered species are sold off to private collectors and safari entrepreneurs such as Andrei Duprei. Diplomatic efforts at the highest level must be initiated now. Otherwise, the Mongolian Death Worm, South American Chupacabra, Australian Bunyip, Phlippine Aswang, Romanian Werewolf and other legendary paranormal abominations may disappear from our nightmares forever.

Dear Ms. Rulen:

Thanks for the heads-up. All I can do is ask my readers to respond as they see fit.

Adam Sandler to Star in Raunchy Paranormal Comedy?

Dear Doc Paranormal:

I'm not in show biz, but the spirit of a deceased Hollywood insider who approached me during a seance tells me that laughmeister Adam Sandler is planning a big budget raunchfest with a paranormal theme. In keeping with the crowd-pleasing antics of typical Sandler fare, the film will focus on human bodily functions but with a delightful paranormal twist. Sandler's sad sack character will possess a singing penis that catapults him to the top of his charts. But adoring fans think he's crooning through his mouth. Just when a jealous rocker is about to expose him, Sandler's penis sprays him with "paralyzing piss." In a heart-warming finale, Sandler bares all before a national TV audience, singing a touching duet with his little friend.
Lost in Los Angeles

Dear Lost:

You might want to verify this with a second source before getting in line.

Is Romanian Mob Trafficking in Werewolves?

I received an eye-opening e-mail this morning from Andrei Duprei, CEO of Romanian Werewolf Bus Tours. Here it is, without comment:

"Dear Mr. Doc Paranormal. Greetings from Romania where I have bad news about the preservation of werewolves, our national treasure. On the last bus tour through werewolf country, none were spotted and I had to refund my vacationers their money as I guarantee the sighting of at least one werewolf per tour. Beyond this disappointment which I can handle financially--thank you very much--I am under the suspicion that Bucharest underworld figures are in the process of attempt to kidnap indigenous young werewolves and selling them internationally to the highest bidder. This is an illegal act and highly offensive to the traditions of our nation. Werewolves should not be allowed to transfer outside our borders and should receive protected species protection to boot like America's bald eagle. But are Romanian officials willing to act our are they in on the taking of graft from mobsters? If we lose our young werewolves there will be no more and eventually the fixture of the Romanian countryside will be vanished from its natural setting."