Doc Paranormal Enters Politics

Dear Reader:

My name is Gus and Doc P. has asked me to watch over his blog as he campaigns for the rights of paranormalists through election day in November. Here's what Doc told me as he walked out the door:

"Each passing day since the nomination of Sarah Palin as John McCain's running mate I've been filled with greater dread. National polls, including our own Presidential Ghost Daily Tracking Poll, indicate growing support for this horrific teaming of a dying old man and an unschooled religious zealot. Newspaper reports indicate that Sarah Palin is a vindictive politician who stifles opposing views by any means necessary, from firing the town librarian who wouldn't ban books, to canning the Alaskan state police official who wouldn't dismiss her sister's ex-husband. Her religious fanaticism and totalitarian personality make Sarah Palin the greatest threat to paranormalists since the Salem Witch Trials. While John McCain himself may be an honorable man, I will be spending the next two months alerting the American paranormal community to the dangers of the McCain/Palin ticket."

Why Teens Become Involved in the Occult

Dear Doc:

While cleaning my teenage daughter's bedroom this morning, I found a book on witchcraft in between the mattress and box spring. I raised her as a good girl. Why is she doing this?
Mom E.

Dear Mom E.

It's for shock value at first, according to Marcello Truzzi, famed lecturer on witchcraft and the occult. In an increasingly secular world, "What else are they going to shock their parents with?" Truzzi asks. However, the fascination can be harmful when taken to extremes. Truzzi says if a teen comes home with "a tattoo of a pentagram on their forehead" or takes another similarly huge leap, parents should intervene immediately. Consulting experts and talking honestly with their child is an important first step for parents to take. Simply reading a book is no cause for alarm.

What the Devil?

Dear Doc:

For the past two days, I have found weird sort of hoof prints all over our lawn. Can't be a goat or sheep--I live in the close in New Jersey suburbs. Any idea what they are?
Jersey Girl

Dear Jersey Girl:

Mysterious "devil's hoof prints"--unexplainable prints that often trace paths no living creature could follow--have been found again and again by ordinary citizens over the past several weeks. The hoof prints are shaped like those of a sheep or a goat, but with two legs. They've been found on the ground, the tops of walls and even the roofs of houses. I suggest you call in a paranormal investigator to examine the tracks while they're still fresh.

Sarah Palin Trounces Miley Cyrus to Win 2008 Carnie Awards

Note from Doc P.:

Thought I'd pass this along, as rabid fundamentalist Sarah Palin is the greatest threat to the paranormal people since the Amazing Randi.




SARAH PALIN TROUNCES MILEY CYRUS TO WIN 2008 CARNIE AWARDS

In a resounding victory, Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin overwhelmed singer Miley Cyrus in the 4th annual Carnie Awards honoring 2008’s leading carnival-style hucksters, barkers and baloney artists.
“Considering that few people knew who Sarah Palin was a few weeks ago, this is an astonishing triumph,” says Peter Fenton, who chaired the selection committee composed of sideshow con men and veteran midway hustlers.
While some say that today’s media-savvy Americans are too hip to be conned by charismatic politicians and entertainers, Fenton disagrees.
“People today are just as gullible as they were back when housewives bought snake-oil from fast-talking carnies while their husbands drooled at strippers in dimly-lit tents,” says Fenton, who earned a small fortune as a teen-age carnival con. His midway adventures are revealed in his critically acclaimed book, Eyeing the Flash: The Making of a Carnival Con Artist, now available in paperback from Simon & Schuster. Adds Fenton, “Just because the sales pitch comes to you on TV in high definition doesn’t mean it’s not full of bull.
“The Carnie Awards were created to honor celebrities and politicians who still know there’s a sucker born every minute. Like all good carnies, they know that when it comes to drawing a crowd, the sizzle is more important than the steak. In fact, some of the leaders in this year’s competition don’t have much talent at all—except for pulling the wool over the eyes of the public and media alike.”
So, step right up ladies and gentlemen! Here, from Peter Fenton, are the top five winners of the 2008 Carnie Awards!

5th Place:

Jonas Brothers:
“This ho-hum pop group has turned chastity into a marketing gimmick. Promising not to have sex until they’re married has worked wonders for the Jonas Brothers skyrocketing pop career. The band’s tweener fan base—and their relieved mothers—have turned A Little Bit Longer into a chart-topping CD.”

4th Place:

Batman:

“The Caped Crusader’s latest movie is 2 ½ hours of doom, gloom and paranoia. Yet The Dark Knight is now the #2 box office film of all-time, behind only the classic love story Titanic. With an incredible $500 million tickets sold domestically and $1 billion worldwide total, Batman has shown that—contrary to conventional wisdom—you can get audiences to flock to a bummer.”

3rd Place:

Hurricane Gustav:

“The most over-hyped hurricane of 2008 drew thousands of media types to the Gulf Coast while millions of residents were fleeing the other way. But panting cable news anchors eager for a Katrina-like disaster were in for a big disappointment when Gustav skirted New Orleans. Ripped-off reporters wearing brand-new $2,500 designer rain gear were left standing speechless in tiny puddles.”

2nd Place:

Miley Cyrus:

“Miley is only fifteen but sports the promotional chops of 50-year-old Madonna. While playing innocent Hannah Montana on the Disney Channel, she posed for provocative photos in Vanity Fair magazine. The result was a publicity bonanza. Miley is so good at working the media, she even earned valuable press for not wearing a seatbelt. And how many pop stars can claim #1 albums under their own name—and the name of the character they portray on TV? Before she’s old enough to drive her own Ferrari, wily Miley has two fabulous multimillion dollar careers.”

1st Place:

Sarah Palin:

“Sarah Palin has come from Nowhere, Alaska to Republican V.P. pick with barely enough time to refresh her lipstick. Creating pandemonium wherever she turns, drawing thousands of screaming fans to every public appearance, Sarah is now bigger than Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers combined. All in a matter of days. With little more than a smile and a wave, Sarah has turned the race for the most powerful position in the world into a high school popularity contest—and she’s winning! But even if Barack Obama stages a last-ditch comeback, Sarah’s future is assured. Win or lose, America’s favorite Hockey Mom is a sure bet to earn multi-million dollar book, TV and talk radio offers galore.”

Tip #4: How to Survive in a Post-Deomcracy USA

Remember: Myth Trumps Fact

Tip #3: How to Survive in a Post-Democracy USA

"I am not now, nor have I ever been, a Wiccan."

McCain Takes Commanding Lead in Daily Ghost Poll

John McCain jumps to a commanding 57% to 32% lead in today's Presidential Ghost Daily Tracking Poll, a survey of voters who exist on the Other Side.

Ghost Comment: "I was killed in a stampede of bobby-soxers at a Frank Sinatra concert during World War II. This denied me the chance to be a veteran. So I get great pleasure watching the Old Warhorse run circles around Barack Obama. Like me, the kid doesn't know what hit 'em."

Tip #2: How to Survive in a Post-Democracy USA

Don't Express True Feelings in Public.

Tip #1: How to Survive in a Post-Democracy USA

Practice Amorality.

How to Survive in a Post-Democracy USA

I'm open to ideas.
D.P.

Attack of the Mongolian Death Worm, Part 2

Called Allghoi Khorkoi by natives such as Nastag Zonig, the Mongolian Death Worm hibernates deep below vast desert sand dunes, emerging only to breed. When provoked, the dark red, two-to-four meter long, one-foot diameter worm sprays a strong poison to distances of up to forty feet. The poison causes slow death or crippling injury distinguished by open sores that never heal. Any survivors of the attack are usually finished off by the sun, becoming parched, emaciated bags of skin and bone to be retrieved by impoverished men like Natsag, who hope to be paid a gratuity by grieving families.

As Natsag continued his journey, a leather-like hand poking out of a dune alerted him to his next find. This was probably the body of Xizion, the young father of two who had been reported missing by his wife three days before. Quickly, Natsag tied the remains to his horse, relieved that the shifting sands had not buried Xizion forever. He left for home at once. The Death Worm did not attack at night and it was past time to return to his remote village, his meager existence and his finder's fee.

*While countless natives have sighted the Mongolian Death Worm, a live specimen has yet to be captured.

*Researchers speculate that monster could survive in the southwestern deserts of the United States, should a breeding pair be imported.

Presidential Ghost Daily Tracking Poll--Monday

Barack Obama is now one point behind John McCain in today's survey of the voting preferences of ghosts and spirits. McCain now leads the Democrat 45% to 44%.

Comment:

"Dear Doc:
I contacted my next-door neighbor, who died just before Sarah Palin was selected as John McCain's running mate. My neighbor was as Wiccan and when she discovered that Palin was a Christian extremist, she was appalled. People like Palin are intolerant of those of us who are not like them--particularly Wiccans. Would Palin burn us at the stake if she became V.P.? I doubt it--but I don't want to find out."

Attack of the Mongolian Death Worm, Part 1

Dateline: Ulan Bator, Mongolia.

Most of the bodies were found after dark, which was the only time it was safe for Natsag Zonig to conduct his search. The Gobi Desert was a killing zone in the summer months, with temperatures soaring past the capacity of most devices to measure them, if Natsag had carried such a device. But he traveled light, burdening his horse with little more than his own weight, a bladder of water and a tarp for shade should his work take him until the blazing sun returned.

Room needed to be kept for the bodies, most of which weighed no more than a dog, no matter how large the men or women had been in life. The sun was Natsag's enemy, but it was the sand, the endless sand, that he feared most. Because just beneath its surface was where the Mongolian Death Worm lurked, ready to strike and kill all innocent passerby...

To be continued...

Professional Conspiracy Theorist: "Palin Plans to Criminalize Condoms"

Hi Doc:

I'm a self-employed conspiracy theorist who has consulting contracts with various Silicon Valley software firms. In that capacity, I am engaged to "outhink" the competition to the point of what may seem like absurdity at the moment--yet often turns out to be a valid supposition.

I am aware that Alaska governor Sarah Palin has been selected by John McCain as his running mate. In my downtime I have been reviewing Palin's available policy positions, including a particular one in which Palin opposes the use of birth control when married couples fornicate.

My work in the private sector involves a considerable degree of informed extrapolation. I'm good at it. It's how I earn my living. Based on a similar analysis of Palin's statement vis a vis birth control, I believe it is reasonable to expect that if the McCain/Palin ticket wins the election that Sarah Palin will move to ban condoms from the shelves of supermarkets and convenience stores within six months of taking office.
Ishmael in San Jose

Presidential Ghost Daily Tracking Poll--Sunday

Democratic candidate Barack Obama picks up ground against Republican opponent John McCain in today's survey of the voting preferences of ghosts and spirits. Obama now trails McCain 47% to 42%, a gain of two points over yesterday. Ralph Nader receives 6% of the vote and former Congressman Bob Barr 3%. Only two percent remain neutral or undecided.

Ghost Comment: "I died in 1961, after enjoying two terms of the Dwight D. Eisenhower administration. However, I cannot support John McCain because the Republican Party he represents is dominated by people we used to call "holy rollers" back in those days. I was a Republican then, but there is no way I could be now. Yet there's no damn way I could ever support a Democrat. That's why I'm neutral. Thank God I'm already on the Other Side."

History's Greatest Psychic

The party in Lord Adare's mansion was a dull, sodden affair until Daniel Home went into a trance. Glassy-eyed, Mr. Home knelt down and placed his face among burning coals in the drawing room's massive stone fireplace. A collective gasp arose from the gathering of scientists and scholars. A doctor raced to the small man's aid. But when Home arose, there were absolutely no burns on his face or hands.

Daniel Home had performed another amazing psychic feat. In the opinion of many, the greatest psychic of all time, Home had his first clairvoyant experience at the age of thirteen. By the age of 22, his seances became an overnight sensation with spiritualism-obsessed Londoners.

Home's achievement's did not end there. His musical prowess was tested by skeptical scientist Sir William Crookes, who'd heard of Home's ability to play an instrument without touching it. In the test, a new accordion Home had never seen was locked in a wire cage and put under a table. Home sat down at the table, one hand touching the cage, the other placed flat on the table. Observers were stunned when suddenly the accordion began to expand and contract, playing a catchy melody. The tune was transcribed by a trained musician and soon became a "hit" in some parts of Europe.

Sadly, Home died of tuberculosis in 1888. But his story doesn't end there. The great psychic felt that his whole life had been aimed at proving that the human personality survives intact after death. Those who have contacted his spirit since then find him a source of consolation and faith.