Alaska Soothsayer Predicts Palin Future, Part 2

Here's part two of my exclusive sitting with 87-year-old Alaskan soothsayer Toniehet:

Continued Toniehet, "Since due to the close proximity of Russia and Alaska, Sarah Palin is an expert on Kremlin affairs, she is well aware that advocating war with the Russians puts the nuclear option on the table. And as a quick decision maker supremely confident of her abilities, after assuming the Presidency in 2009, she will immediately realize that if she's thinking about nuclear war, Putin probably will too. This will cause Sarah to select, without hesitation, the option of a nuclear first strike on St. Petersburg, causing 1.7 million deaths. Unfortunately, the Russians will unleash an measured response, wiping out the city of Tulsa, Oklahoma.

"Following the Cold War model of MAD, or Mutually Assured Destruction, the ensuing tit-for-tat will result in a death toll of 47.4 million, more or less divided evenly between the two nations. Follow-up polls conducted by Gallup and Rasmussen will indicate significant public displeasure with the outcome and Sarah will not seek re-election in 2012.

"In an odd coda, however, Democratic candidate Barack Obama, running on a platform of ending the nuclear war, will lose in a close race to Republican Jeb Bush who promises resumed bombing to 'run up the score' against our Russian adversaries."

I thanked Toniehet for her eye-opening predictions. She asked for, and I gave her, my complimentary fruit basket as she left my motel room.
Doc Paranormal in Wasilla, Alaska

Space Pearl Harbor?

Conspiracy Alert:

While all eyes are on Wall Street, the Bush Administration is focused on outer space. President Bush has kept largely out of public view during the financial crisis. But he's not disengaged. Instead, all of his energies are being directed to a potential surprise attack by UFO aliens. Missile defenses are being double-checked and escape routes for top government officials are being brought up to operational status. Why haven't we been told about this? World-wide panic is the most-cited fear.

Therefore, expect continuing silence from Bush even if the crisis is settled.
Posted by Doc

Dreaming of Politics...

The Dreamer's Dictionary says that discussing politics in a dream is a sign of success--providing the conversation is with someone of your own sex and isn't heated. To dream of being involved in a political campaign predicts you will soon have added responsibilities but inadequate compensation.

Sarah Palin Plans to Create Millions More Special Needs Children, Says Inuit Soothsayer

In a blockbuster interview, an Inuit soothsayer in Wasilla, Alaska has revealed the political future of Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, including her secret plan to create millions more special needs children and the discovery of a meth lab in the White House basement!

I met with "Toniehet," an elderly female soothsayer, in my motel room in Wasilla, Alaska. Wrinkled, with a single amused eye, having lost the other in a childhood accident that also removed her right cheek and jaw, Toniehet has been a revered soothsayer for 73 of her 87 years. Accompanied by a doting granddaughter, Toniehet perched on the edge of a frayed blue couch as she divined the political future of Sarah Palin in an explosive two-hour session. Here are highlights:

"While I do not know this lady, Sarah Palin, I can see that her future is bright, although it will come at the considerable expense of others. First of all, she will become President of the United States a mere 97 minutes after John McCain is sworn into office. Having achieved his lifelong dream of attaining the Oval Office, and with no further plans, John McCain will succumb to a massive stroke, causing this to be the first time in history that two presidents are sworn in on the same day.

"Mrs. Palin will take McCain's death in stride, moving immediately from the solemn ceremony to the White House with the entire Palin clan in tow. This will precipitate another first, as there will not be enough bedrooms in the White House to accommodate the 40+ member clan, causing President Palin and her handsome husband to locate their own king-size bed in the Oval Office, separating their sleeping quarters from the working area with an antique tapestry hung from a length of baling wire.

"One of Sarah's first acts will be to create 33 million new special needs children after her new Surgeon General identifies them as possessing the same genetic deficiency that afflicts their Democratic parents. The parents will be sent off and the kids will be moved in with loving families for further study.

"In other news, the U.S. public will be delighted when the Palin clan greets four new babies only six months into Sarah's term...but will be horrified when a meth lab is discovered in the White House basement!"

To be continued...

Dreaming of Vomit

Legendary British mystic Lady Steam Robinson says that dreaming of vomit can mean one of two things: If you are well-off, it's a sign of impending financial reverses; If you're poor, it means that prosperous days lie ahead.

Doc Paranormal in Wasilla, Alaska bidding you good night.

Wasilla Residents Speak 2nd Language of Farts and Belches

Spent last evening at several Wasilla taverns, hoping to converse with the locals about the Palins. Had trouble communicating until I realized that after sundown many of the xenophobic residents communicate in an impenetrable array of farts and belches that increase in complexity and volume as the evening progresses, climaxing in communal vomiting in the mud-filled parking lot after the ritualistic clanging of the closing time bell.

I tried and failed to "go native" with a diet of Bud and Slim Jims, the results being today's hangover and consequent limited blogging.

Tomorrow, I promise, my session with a controversial Inuit soothsayer who describes his shocking vision of the future Sarah Palin presidency--including her plan to create millions of new special needs children!

Doc Paranormal in Wasilla, Alaska

Global Paranormal Economy Remains Strong, Reassures Analyst

Note From Gus:
I received a calming phone call early this morning from paranormal financial analyst Andrei Duprei and wanted to pass it along to those of you frightened by this week's turmoil on Wall Street. The multi-talented Mr. Duprei, founder of Romanian Werewolf Bus Tours and the recently-launched Paranormal Big Five World Safari, has been tracking paranormal business trends for five years. Said Duprei:

"Mr. Gus, I am phoning you directly to reassure Ask Doc Paranormal readers that nothing has fundamentally changed in the paranormal economy since my August 5 conference call with media persons such as you that was reprinted in this wonderful publication of yours.

"People in the paranormal business community such as psychic hot line corporations and Ouija board manufacturers should take a deep breath. Because if anything, financial calamities in mainstream business help to keep our cash registers ringing.

"The logic of this is simple. When times are good, mainstream investors believe that God is on their side. They engage in foolishness like buying two or three condominiums with no money down in a different state or even different country than they live in with the certainty that God will bring an even greater fool along to purchase the condos at a sweet premium. But when times get tough, these frantic would-be real estate moguls seek salvation from any quarter--including the Devil himself. This causes an increase in paranormal purchases such as Ouija boards, black magic voodoo dolls and even seances designed to contact deceased financial experts or simply to find out where in the attic grandma hid her heirloom jewelry before Passing On.

"Therefore, readers of your blog who have investments in paranormal businesses should expect increased profits over the next 18 to 36 months."

The Biggest Building in Wasilla, Alaska is a Wal-Mart...

...next week, former mayor Sarah Palin will enter to the United Nations building for the first time, under the guiding arm of presidential candidate John McCain...to meet world leaders and prepare her for the day she will lead the Free World.

Doc Paranormal in Wasilla, Alaska

Coming up...an Inuit soothsayer reveals Sarah Palin's White House future.

David Foster Wallace and the Van Gogh Scam, Part 2

...The story of Syd the Painter illustrates how you, too, can pull off the Van Gogh Scam. I learned about Syd from Elizabeth, a San Francisco filmmaker. Our meeting took place in a quintessential North beach hangout; noisy, airy, redolent with the scent of fair trade coffee and wet cashmere. Thirtyish, with prematurely silver hair and the nervous habit of toying with an unlit cigarette, Elizabeth was eager to talk about Syd.
“I’d heard fantastic tales about Syd and thought he’d make a great subject for a documentary, like that eccentric bird lover in Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill. So I introduced myself to Syd. He usually spends mornings over there with his sketch pad,” Elizabeth said, nodding at a wobbly table near the window. “He was thrilled at first, but quickly got cold feet. I think he was afraid his wife would learn too much about his daily movements.”
“Which are?”
Elizabeth laughed and pulled the cigarette to her lips, drawing the ire of a lone man at the next table. After arguing loudly with him about the propriety of flourishing an unlit cigarette in a non-smoking establishment, she gathered herself and returned to the subject of Syd. “Nan, his wife, is a banker and keeps banker’s hours, so Syd essentially knows where she is at any given moment. By the way, Syd started finger painting at age three and his work has remained at that level of technical skill and emotional maturity. But Nan adores it. Go figure.
“At any rate, Syd starts painting in his studio at 7 a.m. while Nan gets ready for work. Fifteen minutes after she leaves, he strolls down here for coffee and Danish, and a period of gathering his wits about him. An hour or so later, he orders a hearty breakfast of eggs, bacon and pancakes. While he eats, he scours the Wall Street Journal for ‘ideas,’ which is weird because he’s an Abstract Expressionist.
“At noon he walks over to this Mexican bistro where he has two chicken tacos, beans, rice and ice tea, no chips or cheese. He then walks off lunch for an hour, afterwards returning to his apartment for a power nap and shower. Refreshed, he returns here for espresso and chess, quitting at precisely 6 p.m., win or lose.
“Hurrying back home, Syd opens his studio and begins working in earnest. Nan arrives about ten minutes later, showers, makes dinner and calls Syd to the table. With a great show of reluctance, Syd quits for the day, locking the door to his studio—which Nan is not allowed to enter—and joins his loving wife for supper.”
I ordered the check. “What’s in it for her?” “I’ve asked myself that. After all, Syd has never sold a painting. Gallery owners throw fits when they see him. He’s like a pestilence. One art critic told me that Syd’s work threatened to send the art world back to the Stone Age, when Neanderthals worked in campfire charcoal. All I can figure is that while Nan seems traditional on the surface, inside she’s a rebel and takes vicarious pleasure in what Syd alleges is his battle against an obtuse establishment.”
Standing on the street, Elizabeth fired up her Galouise. “And what about Syd? What’s he get from it?” I asked
Inhaling greedily, Elizabeth paused before answering, “I think he married Nan thirty-four years ago. The only job he’s had since is keeping her happy. Unbelievably, she is. Obviously, they were made for each other.”
So there you have it, guys. With easel, palette and brushes—and a carefully selected female patron—you too can reap the long-term benefits of the Van Gogh Scam. Precocious kids, cats, and even elephants earn a comfortable lifestyle with art. Why not you?

Gus

David Foster Wallace and the Van Gogh Scam

Note from Gus:

Doc tells me that a lot of paranormalists have a creative bent--many of you are painters, writers and so forth. But the eternal problem for all artists--like the late David Foster Wallace--is supporting yourself while you create. I did some research and found that--from a guy's perspective--the best way to finance your creative endeavors is to attach yourself to a high-achieving female. I call it The Van Gogh Scam:


The Van Gogh Scam

Want the financial support of an educated, ambitious gal pal or spouse? Your best bet is the Van Gogh Scam.
It’s a time-tested truth that brainy, high-achieving females are suckers for soulful, creative-type guys. Perhaps it has something to do with the pressure these exceptional women face arguing a case before the Supreme Court or performing brain surgery. Their freewheeling, artistic mates offer a welcome contrast to their own intellectually rigorous careers.
Such women have long been a fruitful vein of revenue for aspiring musicians. A rudimentarily strummed acoustic guitar combined with a modestly tuneful voice has won many a girl’s heart, particularly during the impressionable undergraduate years. Who doesn't know at least one bearded guy housed and fed for a semester or two by a girlfriend impressed with his ability to write songs with her name in the title?
The problem with the singer-songwriter gambit, though, is that eventually you have to deliver. The second or third time you get booed off stage on open mike night you’re back mixing mocha lattes for heathen commuters. These are intelligent women we’re talking about, not cheerleaders.
Other artistic ploys have flaws that allow them to be quickly dismissed:
*Performance artist: Do you really want to hang by your tits covered in cow shit?
*Book Author: Low prestige, no money.
*Rapper: Keeping it real requires 9mm skin piercings.
*Actor: One Jack Black is surely enough.
*Poet: Only if you look good in black tights and a beret.
Which brings us to the Van Gogh Scam. In case you’ve forgotten, Vincent Van Gogh was the tortured 19th-century Dutch artist who didn’t sell a single painting before he ended his life with a shot to the chest. After his death, the market for his work skyrocketed. For example, a painting of Van Gogh’s physician sold for $82.5 million in 1990.
And that’s Vincent’s greatest gift to you as a pretend-painter: It doesn’t matter how truly dreadful you are. Who cares if friends and critics consider your work an abuse of oil paint, an aesthetic transgression, a common vulgarity bound by a frame.
Because, citing Van Gogh, you can claim that the haters are blind philistines; in a hundred years, genetically-refined, 22nd-century art lovers will hail you as the criminally ignored master painter of his era.
Did the gallery hang your abstract water colors upside down? No wonder it didn’t sell! Did the couple you gifted with a painting mysteriously “lose” it? With friends like those…
The excuses for failure are limited only by your imagination and your desire to remain home with your sketch pad while your Significant Other works her tail off.

To be continued...

Has Sarah Palin Ever Shaken Hands with an African-American?

Just askin'. Not many black folks in Wasilla. In fact, none that I've seen so far, although I haven't been here long.

BTW: Isn't Sandpoint, Idaho, her birthplace, where Mark Furhman fled after the O.J. fiasco? I'm pretty sure it's the focal point of the white supremacist movement. Too bad the media hasn't explored that angle--was her dad involved?

Doc Paranormal in Wasilla, Alaska

#1 Bad Taste Joke of 2009...

..."ladies and gentlemen, please rise for President Sarah Palin."
Gus

New Information: David Foster Wallace Suicide Note...

...contains voluminous footnotes.
Gus

David Foster Wallace's Suicide Note...

...was 531 pages long and will be published in hardcover by Random House.
Gus