Exclusive! First Review of The Twilight Saga: New Moon.

Here's an e-mail I just received from Andrei Duprei, CEO of Romanian Werewolf Bus Tours. Take it for what it's worth:

Dear Mr. Doc Paranormal:

"I have fifteen minutes ago completed viewing a pirated DVD of the teen vampire movie Twilight: New Moon, which is so awful it does not merit the purchase of a ticket, let me warn you.

"In addition to being filled with lousy acting and a director who should be arrested and thrown inside one of your CIA jails, it is stock full of factual inaccuracies.

"Of these I will cite simply one. In this celluloid cesspool, the male teenage vampires are portrayed as pretty young things. This is an outrage. In Romania, we have many such layabouts littering our villages and I can assure you they are the most repulsive adolescents you ever laid eyes on.

"Because of his age, the teen male vampire's metabolism is not yet prepared for the wide variety of blood types he consumes. The result is that his system runs riot, resulting in facial pimples the size of boils and blackheads peppering his skin like shotgun pellets fired from close range. The young male vampire also suffers from dripping oily skin and a vocal quality that can range from squeaky soprano to operatic baritone within the space of a single mumbled sentence.

"In Romania, these aspiring young swains repel any woman they romantically approach. It has not be unknown for groups of females to band together and pummel teen male vampires within an inch of their worthless lives.

"Teen male vampires are doomed to spend eternity in a hellishly awkward adolescence. They are to be pitied, not feared.

"In short, the supposedly scary Twilight: New Moon is a comedy to experts like me."

Yours,
Andrei Duprei

Why Don't UFO Aliens End World Hunger?

Dear Doc P.:
With all the advanced abilities they are said to possess, why haven't UFO aliens banded together to solve the problem of starvation on Earth? It seems that if these "all powerful" creatures truly cared about the inhabitants of the planet they supposedly visit so often, they'd do something about world hunger. To me, the fact that these purported outer space "geniuses" haven't helped is further evidence that they don't really exist.
Skeptical Dan

Dear Skeptical Dan:
Some say there are promising signs that visitors from outer space are concerned about conditions that plague the furthest reaches of the Third World. Recently, failing crops in Somalia were revived when a conical beam of yellow/green light swept over an area of about 250 square kilometers. The beam of light, approximately 2 kilometers in diameter and emerging from an elevation estimated at 11 kilometers (about 33,000 feet), traveled at night across drought-stricken farmlands that had been given up as lost. The episode lasted for about 30 minutes. By morning, sprouting plants had survived, as if from a soaking rain. They grew normally until harvested without receiving additional water.

Are Pet Owners More Psychically Attuned?

Dear Doc:
Over the years, I've found a strong correlation between pet ownership and paranormal belief. Simply put, individuals who own pets have a greater incidence of psychic belief. Why?
Kitty

Dear Kitty:
The very ability of a dog to hear a sound we can't or a cat to get spooked by an invisible enemy reminds us that there is another sensory universe we have only begun to understand. This morning, for example, one of our five cats needed to go to the vet. Of course, he disappeared even before I got out the carrier. And how did he know that it was his turn to head into town for a check up while the other cats went about their normal routine? Fortunately, kitty and I made our appointment on time. Because even though kitty's sixth sense warned him of my attentions, the rrrip of a can of Fancy Feast being opened brought him scurrying out of hiding. Food: the pet owner's secret weapon.

The Doc is Back

But where was he?

American Workers To Receive Pay in Form of Lottery Tickets: Soothsayer

American workers will soon be receiving pay envelopes containing lottery tickets instead of paychecks, a soothsayer has found in a seance attended by an Ask Doc Paranormal staffer. According to the soothsayer, wages will fall to the point that by the year 2028, American workers will gladly accept lottery tickets instead of cash--with the hope that they can make ends meet if they "hit the jackpot." And in scenes reminiscent of the hit movie "Slumdog Millionaire" the entire nation will cheer those lucky devils.

posted by The Lovely Darlene

Bigfoot in Australia...

...is called Yowie. Like Bigfoot, Yowie is covered with thick, matted fur and has long arms extending below its knees. Difference: Yowie thrives in the parched climate of the Australian Outback, while Bigfoot's primary range is the Pacific Northwest. Investigators speculate that both migrated to their respective ranges from Asia via an ancient land bridge.

Stay Strange,
The Lovely Darlene

Extra! Extra!

Spiritualists use the term in a different way that the rest of us. In spiritualism, "extra" is a supernatural image that appears on a normal photograph. You know, like the face of a beloved relative who passed away. In cases where the image is of a deceased person, the "extra" is considered proof of an existence on the Other Side. Photographs or videos taken during a seance are sometimes examined for evidence that a spirit appeared during the attempt to contact it.

posted by the Lovely Darlene